- This was in my draft over 4 years ago and finally feeling like I can share it.
You hear phrases and terms like "everything has a silver lining". Meant to give relief, meant to ease pain. But they don't. In this world of grief for me its more accurate to realize that everything has an under lyng sadness, darkness that you just have to learn to live with. Things that are supposed to be happy in a way do feel that way for maybe a moment. There are times I can smile, laugh, etc. Those times do not mean the sadness is not there, that the darkness is not there behind it all.
Christmas has gone and passed but the pain is still there. The empty crib is still there. Things that once were events to look forward to are just reminders of things you now won't be doing or events where you will be missing a person. There is no diaper bag to pack as you hurry out the door, no monthly update picture to take of your baby's growth, no baby sitter to find for that hunt you planned. Every morning you wake up to relive a nightmare.
We live in a society where everyone wants to fix things, that grief and loss are temporary and somehow you heal from it. That is not the reality with this loss. Some might say that I am just filled with anger. And ya I am a little, would you not be? Anger and sadness are not "bad" emotions. They are emotions we all have, just like happy.
If you ever meet someone and think wow they "moved on from their grief fast", "they seem so happy now", "they don't talk about how their child died anymore, they must be healed/doing better/strong" I would bet that they just learned to conform to our society of hiding all the "bad" emotions. Got tired of everyone trying to fix them, telling them how strong they are instead of sitting with them in the grief, acknowledging that living without that person is HARD, and it just sucks.
I love you Greyson <3 Your life and loss is not something to move on from, it's not something to heal from. You will forever be a part of me.